I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
