Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
