Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
