he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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