so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
