I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
