wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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