it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
