So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
