PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
