Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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