The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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