um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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