He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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