I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
