i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
