there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
