Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
