there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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