she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
