My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
