I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
