im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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