not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
