dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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