you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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