I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
pray to the hookup gods
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
