we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
