I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
