"it" just moved
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
