I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
