i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
