After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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