I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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