dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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