Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
