I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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