What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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