Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
