The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
