$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
