Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
