i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
