Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
