tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
