my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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