My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
