Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
