my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
