I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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